Friday, January 13, 2012

Daboo Ratnani Calendar 2012!

Along with the new year comes the annual exercise that is Daboo Ratnani's ultra-fugly calendar! I have no idea how he has bewitched the media into breathlessly reporting on his images but every year there is an orgy of praise and every year I like to fully investigate what is inspiring all the praise.

(For added enjoyment, revisit the 2010 Calendar and the 2011 Calendar.)

All images courtesy of Daboo Ratnani (TM).

HERE WE GO! These have been culled from various Bollywood sites since Daboo's official website appears to be down at the moment.

Shall I alternate men and women?

Who? Vidya Balan
Theme? Cover of a Jackie Collins romance novel
Success? Meh. There should really be a half-finished martini and a cigarette half-burning on the side of the tub to really sell this.

Who? Riteish Deshmukh
Theme? Self-immolation to protest the rising costs of buttons
Success? Absolutely. Ritiesh looks, if you'll pardon the pun, smoking hot.

Who? Priyanka Chopra
Theme? Undergraduate at art school doing a self-portrait for her photography final
Success? Isn't Piggy a bit old for the baby doll routine? This just barely passes muster. Fragile is out, darling. "Oh La La" is in.

Who? Ajay Devgn
Theme? "Hello, I'm Ajay Devgn. Let me show you my chest; I think you'll enjoy it."
Success? Yes.

Who? Katrina Kaif
Theme? Bollywood Barbie, fresh from the assembly line at the Matel factory!
Success? Absolutely. Nobody poses better than our Kat.

Who? Arjun Rampal
Theme? Kate Moss called and wants her 1995 Heroin Chic look back.
Success? Only if you like 1995-style Heroin Chic.

Who? Deepika Padukone
Theme? "What product am I promoting again? Perfume? Soda? Oh, wait, this is a calendar shoot?"
Success? Taste the thunder... I mean, um, yeh dil maange more... no... just buy the damn soda and send me a check!

Who? Hrithik Roshan
Theme? Accidentally on-purpose interrupting a free weight session
Success? "Hey, baby... need directions to the gun show?"

Who? Kajol
Theme? "For god's sake, Ajay, hurry up and finish shooting already! How many more cars does Rohit Shetty need to destroy before we lose out on our dinner reservation!?"
Success? YES! Kajol, darling, you look gorgeous!

Who? Akshay Kumar
Theme? Daboo Ratnani felt obligated to shoot Akshay Kumar
Success? Only in the sense that an image exists.

Who? Bipasha Basu
Theme? It's 1985 and there is an open casting call for Weird Science
Success? I would totally give Bips the role!

Who? Ranbir Kapoor
Theme? End of the year clearance sale at Kapoors'R'Us
Success? A bargain at 25% off!

Who? Anushka Sharma
Theme? Third act of a tragic zombie movie
Success? "Brains... need... brains to... continue... shuffling..."

Who? Salman Khan
Theme? Fuck you, I'm Salman Khan.
Success? Yes.

Who? Aishwarya Rai
Theme? Fuck you, I'm Aishwarya Rai.
Success? Yes.

Who? Saif Ali Khan
Theme? Let's all remember Saif in Race, which was the last time anybody really liked him.
Success? Did he borrow Emraan Hashmi's wig for this? Two thumbs down.

Who? Sonakshi Sinha
Theme? Daddy won't let me pose "sexy."
Success? Keep it classy, Shotgun Shell! Send your daddy some love from me!

Who? Amitabh Bachchan
Theme? "I can't believe I'm fucking doing this."
Success? I can't believe he's fucking doing this. Really, Daboo? This is the best you could do for THE Big Dog of Bollywood?

Who? Farhan Akhtar
Theme? Oh, yeah... this guy.
Success? Can we have Zoya in like a tuxedo or something next year instead?


eliza bennet said...

I don't get the joke re:Saif / SRK

I totally agree with you on Vidya, Priyanka, Katrina, Kajol and Ajay.

I LOVED Deepika's pic. The woman cannot act but she can pose alright.

Akshay, Aish and Salman are wasted.

Filmi Girl said...

@Eliza Bennet This is what I was thinking of...

EXACT DOUBLE, right?! Only with Emraan Hashmi's wig from Murder 2.

eliza bennet said...

Now I see it! Thank you :) :)

I didn't like Saif's - in the link- but I actually liked SRK's, surrounded by smoke and all.

And before I forget (like I did in my first post) I'll take that one for 25% off please :)

Filmi Girl said...

@eliza bennet LOL! It was a terrible joke, apparently. I should just edit it... XD I got up extra early today for no reason and it's funny what the brain cooks up at 5am...

pixel pitz said...

I must have stared at "Saif" for a minute or two trying to figure out how I could be so confused. :)

Mette said...

@pixel pitz: Me too!

Is this all Deepika has got? I used to think she's a good model (at least) but this looks like anything else she's done.

But I like most of the other images. Actually, the Akshay picture is kind of cute.

lalsub said...

Filmi Girl--ha ha, I just LOVE this whole piece, love the way you've pricked pompous balloons like Dabboo Ratnani and his tribe of annual calendar artists, photographing the same ol' Bolly gang again and again...loved your comments below each silly pic--but could not for the life of me get the Saif=SRK joke. Pl explain.

Filmi Girl said...

@lalsub LOL! Thanks - and yes, you aren't the only one. :D

The best I can explain is that it was really early in the morning when I wrote this up and for whatever reason I thought he looked like Saif in Race...

Note from Filmi Girl:

I love Bollywood - and all the ridiculous things that happen in Bollywood - but it doesn't mean that I can't occasionally make fun of various celebrities and films.

If you don't like my sense of humor, please just move on by - Trolls are not appreciated and nasty comments will be deleted.

xoxo Filmi Girl
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